By Hal Stone, Ph.D., and Sidra Stone, Ph.D.. Reproduced with permission.
Hal and Sidra Stone: their work and the complete article library · Further Reading
by Hal Stone, Ph.D. & Sidra Stone, Ph.D.
This article is the second in a series of four written in1994 for the journal, Psychotherapy in Australia.There is a natural ebb and flow in relationship,a movement between intimacy anddistance. Even the most ideal relationshipshave moments in which intimacy is interruptedand good will is in short supply. As westudied the rhythms of relationship and theseperiods of discomfort, we discovered certainpredictable patterns in all of them. We seethese patterns as the dance of the selves inrelationship, a dance in which the selves,rather than the people, interact. (These selvesare discussed in our article “Embracing AllOur Selves”).
We named these interactions “bondingpatterns” because they are automatic,archetypal parent/child interactions, likethe bonding that takes place between aparent and an infant. These bonding patternsare our natural instinctual patternsfor receiving and giving nurture and love.There is nothing pathological about them.They are apparent in all relationships. Wewill be using a married couple to illustrateour approach, but please keep in mind thatthe same interactions can take place betweentwo people of the same sex, betweentwo people not in a primary relationship,between parents and children, betweenemployers and employees, and even betweentwo strangers meeting for the firsttime. In short, bonding patterns can occurbetween any two people, or any two groupsof people.
The Bonding Patterns
We will use Bernie and Ginny, a married couple,to illustrate the bonding patterns in this section.When bonding patterns are operating in theirpositive aspect, they might well be overlooked.If Bernie’s “Responsible Father” is bonded intoGinny’s “Compliant Daughter”, the fact thatthere are selves are in relationship rather thanGinny and Bernie might well go unnoticed.People would observe that Bernie seems to takea lot of responsibility and that Ginny usuallyfollows his lead, but this would not necessarilyseem problematical. A positive bonding patternis neither good nor bad, it just is. We call it apositive bonding pattern because it does notfeel painful.
However, because it is a pair of selves and notpeople who are interacting, there is little choiceavailable to the individuals involved and the interpersonalinteractions are stereotypical. In thisparticular positive bonding pattern, for instance,Bernie is not able to set appropriate boundaries.Instead, his “Responsible Father” is required tomeet all of Ginny’s needs as they arise. Ginnywould not be able to set appropriate boundarieseither, but is required to be appreciative and todefer to Bernie. This might be quite comfortableor it might begin to feel somewhat restrictive. Aslong as this positive bonding pattern lasts neitherBernie nor Ginny will react negatively to oneanother. Instead, each will ignore any subtle signsof discontent and will remain relentlessly positiveabout both the relationship and about the other.
The negative bonding pattern is extremelypainful, however. One feels betrayed, judgmental, alone, misunderstood, helpless, hopeless, andangry. It often seems that the only way out ofthese bad feelings is to end the relationship. Ifproperly understood, however, the discomfort ofthe negative bonding pattern provides us withboth information and a great motivation to learnand to grow. It is important to note that boththe positive and the negative bonding patternsrequire two participants. There is no such eventas a bonding pattern with only one participant, itis a dance that must be danced by two.
Let us follow the relationship of Ginny andBernie in its natural movement from a positiveto a negative bonding pattern. One MondayBernie goes to work after a lovely weekend anddiscovers that his business has suffered an unexpectedloss. He is distraught, but, since he is anindependent, reasonable and responsible man,he overlooks his feelings of disappointment andhelplessness. He mobilizes all of his resourcesand spends his day researching alternative plansof action. When Bernie returns home that nightand finds Ginny on the telephone in an animatedconversation with her friend Mary, he feelsunexpectedly irritated and begins to withdrawinto himself. He goes into the next room, picksup the newspaper and begins to read it.
Ginny notices that Bernie doesn’t come over tokiss her as usual and, sensing his withdrawal, shequickly ends her conversation. She comes over tohim, feeling somewhat apologetic and says hello.He barely answers her greeting and she asks himwhat is wrong. In a cool, distant voice he says:“Nothing is wrong.” Ginny has the distinct feelingthat Bernie is displeased with her but she is notaware of the reason. She offers to bring him a cupof coffee, something he usually enjoys, but he says:“No, thank you.” in the same distant voice. Ginnyis beside herself, trying to think of how to reinstatethe weekend’s good feelings and how to makeeverything the way that it was.
Bernie watches Ginny’s efforts to draw himcloser to her and he thinks to himself that she isreally quite childlike and ineffectual. He wonderswhy he has not noticed this quality in her before.He finds himself thinking about all the responsibilityhe takes in the relationship and he beginsto resent his role as the responsible one. He looksat Ginny and notices that she is a bit carelessabout her appearance. He finds himself comparingher to his office manager who is alwaysimmaculately groomed. Ginny definitely suffersin this comparison.
Ginny sits down near Bernie and tries toread her section of the newspaper and lookrelaxed. She steals a glance at him and notices forthe first time that he reminds her of her fatherwho was emotionally unavailable and withdrawnmuch of the time. She wonders to herself howshe could have overlooked this quality in Bernie.As she thinks about Bernie’s similarity to herfather, she becomes aware that they are bothperfectionistic and demanding. In fact, the moreshe looks at Bernie, the less she likes him. AsBernie continues to read his newspaper, he findshimself getting more and more uncomfortable inGinny’s presence.
All this is going on as Ben and Ginny sit quietlytogether. Nothing more is said. We would like tonote here that in some relationships, these thoughtsare spoken aloud. But silent or spoken, the feelingsare unavoidably present and the energetic interactionis in full swing. The dance of the selves hasmoved into a new step and the negative bondingpattern, with its attendant misery, has begun.
Mapping the Bonding Patterns
As a therapist, how does one approach this? First,we would like to reiterate our view that this is aperfectly natural interaction in relationship. Thereis nothing pathological in this bonding pattern andmuch can be learned in terms of both relationshipskills and personal growth. In order to understandthese bonding patterns and to learn from them, onemust ask the following questions:
1. What are the selves involved in both thepositive and negative bonding patterns?Another way of putting this is: “What is theform of the bonding pattern?”
2. What triggered this negative bondingpattern? Determine what has happened toturn the positive bonding pattern into anegative one.
3. What are the disowned selves that Ginnyand Bernie are mirroring to one another?
Let us consider the form of the bonding patternfirst. As we have said, a bonding pattern representsparent/child interactions between two people, ratherthan interactions between two Aware Egos. In thisnegative bonding pattern, we see that Bernie’sJudgmental Withdrawn Father is bonded intoGinny’s Guilty, Pleasing Daughter. On the otherside of the bonding pattern, we see that Ginny’sJudgmental Mother is bonded into Bernie’sInadequate Son. This bonding pattern would bediagrammed as follows:
Now, turning to question number two.Disowned vulnerability is always the triggerfor bonding patterns, either positive or negative.When we as individuals are not responsive toour own needs and do not care properly for ourown vulnerable inner children, they will attachelsewhere for the care they require. It is as simpleas that! In this example, we can see that Berniedisowned his vulnerability when he suffered adisappointment at work. His Responsible Fatherprimary self came to his rescue in order to tacklethe situation.
By the time Bernie came home he had totallyforgotten his upset, but although his vulnerabilitywas disowned, it was still operatingunderneath. Bernie’s Inner Child was countingon Ginny’s Good Mother to take care of himbut Bernie did not know about this. When heentered the house and Ginny was on the phoneand not available, Bernie had a sense of betrayal.But again he disowned his vulnerability. After all,he was a grown man and Ginny was entitled tospeak to her friend Mary! So instead of tellingGinny about his feelings and his difficult day,he withdrew into his Withdrawn JudgmentalFather and cut off all energetic connectionbetween them. This is an automatic and naturalresponse when there is no Aware Ego present tospeak for the underlying feelings.
Ginny, in turn, disowned her feelings ofvulnerability and became a Guilty Daughterwhen she felt Bernie’s withdrawal. With noAware Ego available to her, she tried to mollifyhim from Guilty Daughter rather thantalk with him as a woman about her feelingsand perceptions. When this attempt at peacemakingdid not work, Ginny moved into theother half of the bonding pattern and becameJudgmental Mother.
Question number three involves disownedselves. We have talked about disowned selves inour earlier articles. These selves represent energies,or parts of ourselves, that are disowned orrepressed in the growing up process. As each ofus moves towards wholeness, there is a requirementto reintroduce these selves into our lives ina responsible fashion. This does not mean that wemust become these selves, but it does mean thatwe embrace them and discover what they have tooffer us. It is interesting to note that the discomfortof our bonding patterns propels us into thenext stage of growth and our judgments of oneanother when we are involved in these bondingpatterns show us the nature of this growth, i.e.,the disowned selves we must embrace.
These disowned selves are like heat-seekingmissiles that come back to us through our relationshipsand provide the fuel that intensifies thebonding pattern.
Let us look at Bernie and Ginny to see howthis works. Observe what qualities they arejudging in one another. Bernie judges Ginny’sneed for connection and affection, her lack ofresponsibility, her ineffectuality, and her lack ofattention to detail. These are his disowned selves.His primary selves are more withdrawn, impersonal,responsible, controlling and perfectionistic,just the qualities that Ginny is judging. Ginny’sprimary selves are personal, relaxed, not needingto be in control, and able to receive from others.We might note that the judgments as statedby the primary selves make the disowned selvessound negative, but this “bitter” medicine is justwhat is required.
As a therapist, you can see how this relationshipis a great teacher for both Bernie andGinny and how the analysis of the bondingpattern presents them with the lessons they needto learn. We can also see how easy it would befor Ginny and Bernie would grow further andfurther apart if they were to continue to lookat one another and judge their disowned selvesrather than step back to see what there is to learnabout them.
Working With the Bonding Patterns
There are numerous ways in which you as a therapistcan use the knowledge of bonding patternsin your work. You can use these ideas subtly,integrating them into your work without discussingthem directly, or you can work with clientsusing the bonding patterns and the concepts ofthe psychology of selves as your basic format.
We have found that the introduction of theseideas to a client is immediately helpful. This is a nofault,non-pathological way to look at relationshipwhich can cut through a good deal of defensivenessand resistance and allow you as the therapist towork with basic issues immediately. The underlyingassumptions are: (1) It takes two people to danceand (2) All bonding patterns are natural events thatwill reappear from time to time. (3) Relationshipis a teacher. We have found that clients who readEmbracing Each Other or listen to our audiocassettetape set “Making Relationships Work for You”have an excellent frame of reference for subsequentwork in therapy.
We suggest that when you work with an individualor with a couple concerning issues of relationship,you map their bonding patterns as wehave illustrated in the previous section. This mapwould include the three aspects of the bondingpattern: (1) the form of the bonding patternwhich shows the selves that are interacting, (2)the vulnerability that triggered the bonding pattern,and (3) the disowned selves that are beingmirrored. Once your client or clients have thismap available, they have access to a great deal ofinformation about themselves and their relationships.This actually creates an objective awarenessof what is happening in their relationship evenif they are not yet in a position to exercise choicefrom an Aware Ego and take appropriate action.
You are now in a position to work directly withthe selves using Voice Dialogue or whatever othermethod you prefer. It is extremely powerful to workwith a self when both people involved in the relationshipare present. For instance, a therapist mightwork with Bernie’s Responsible Father, his primaryself. As she watches this self , Ginny will discoverwhat it looks like and sounds like, how it developedto protect Bernie’s vulnerability and how it operatesin his life and in their relationship.
Ginny will also get the chance to experience thedifference between the feeling of intimacy that theResponsible Father provides and the intimacy of theAware Ego, a far different experience. It is difficultto describe this latter intimacy, but it involves a totalenergetic linkage between two people. If you havenot had the experience of this energetic linkage, wemight suggest that you contact one of the VoiceDialogue facilitators in Australia or come to one ofthe workshops we will be offering in Australia.
After the separation from the primary selvesand the selves that become involved in the bondingpatterns, the client is ready for an explorationof the disowned selves that are carried by his or herpartner. This is one of the most important teachingsof relationship. Each relationship offers us this giftof growth, of embracing our disowned selves.
Last, but certainly not least this work givesthe therapist the opportunity to facilitate thevulnerable Inner Child. It is this child that holdsthe key to intimacy. When the sensitivity of theInner Child is available, a profound energeticlinkage is possible. When this sensitivity andvulnerability is not available, the contact betweentwo people is always more rational and shallow.
The facilitation of the Inner Child in the safetyof a conjoint session is a deeply moving, almostholy, experience for both people in the relationship.The observing partner is usually very deeplytouched. However, the therapist must be aware ofthe possibility that the observing partner might betriggered into a feeling of responsibility for the InnerChild being facilitated. The fact that this childis nobody else’s responsibility should be stressed.
The therapist who has received training in theenergetics of relationships can also work directlywith the energetics of the bonding patterns we havedescribed. This involves training clients to mastertheir own energy fields, to control the actual energeticboundaries that surround them, to learn howto link with and how to release one another, andto learn how to intensify or lessen the power of thevarious selves. These are all very valuable lessons.
In Closing
Relationships challenge us to grow. Each relationshipcarries within it the guidance for ourfurther development and growth as well as theseeds of its own destruction. We as therapists arein the position to move deeply into the mysteriesand complexities of these relationships, tomap the territories to be explored and to use theinformation provided by relationships to guideour clients in developing their full potential.
© 1994
Original source and copyright: Hal Stone, Ph.D., and Sidra Stone, Ph.D.. Read the original at Voice Dialogue International.