By Hal Stone, Ph.D., and Sidra Stone, Ph.D.. Reproduced with permission.
Hal and Sidra Stone: their work and the complete article library · Further Reading
by Hal Stone, Ph.D. & Sidra Stone, Ph.D.
There is more to each of us than we ever expected—we are richer and far more complex than weever imagined—and our relationships can helpus to see this. They can teach us about who wereally are; they can help us to expand our choicesand to live our lives more fully and with moreexcitement than we’d ever dreamed possible.
But this requires that we look at ourselves andat our relationships in a new way. It means thatwe no longer think of ourselves as unitary beings,but as being made up of many selves—likediamonds, we have many facets, each different,each brilliant and beautiful once we understandits meaning in our lives. When looked at in thisnew way, life becomes full of possibilities andrelationship becomes a path to the realization ofthese possibilities.
Let us see how this works.
Our Selves
When we are born we are a mass of possibleselves. But as we grow up in a certain familyand in a certain place, some of these selvesbegin to dominate our personalities—wecall them the primary selves—and others arepushed aside—we call them the disownedselves. Which selves become primary andwhich get disowned varies from person to personand depends upon a combination of theirbasic genetic makeup and the effects of theenvironment in which they grow up.
So some of us grow up more responsible andothers are less responsible, some are perfectionisticand others are more relaxed, some care a greatdeal about what others think and others couldn’tcare less, some work hard all the time and can’tseem to stop and others really know how to relax,some are self-critical and others criticize the restof the world, some rely primarily on their thinkingfor gathering information and others on theirfeelings. The differences go on and on.
What is similar about all of these is that eachof us has a set of these primary selves and—equaland opposite—a set of disowned selves. The primaryselves are our current assets or who we arein the world, the disowned selves represent ouruntapped potential.
Our Relationships
Just as we have narrowed down the possibilitiesof who we are by developing a group of primaryselves and disowning the rest, in relationshipwe narrow down our possibilities of interactingwith others. When just a few selves take over andcontrol the relationship —as they do for everyonefrom time to time—we have little choicein the way we relate and we behave automatically.We think of this as the “default setting” inrelationship.
So the first change in the way you look atyour relationships is to realize that relationshipsare between two groups of selves—not twopeople. When this default setting takes over,most people eventually feel trapped, and the trapfeels unpleasantly familiar.
The nature of this trap varies from person toperson. For example: (1) Mary feels as thoughshe can’t use her brains, but John feels as thoughhis brains are working just fine but he is emotionallyparalyzed and he can’t feel any feelingsor (2) Susie feels very competent and responsiblefor everybody, while Andy just feels more andmore incompetent and not able to care for himself,much less anyone else.
But there is a basic pattern for this defaultsetting and we call it a “bonding pattern.”
Bonding Patterns—The DefaultSetting in Relationship
The default setting in relationship is a naturalone that is programmed into us at birth. Wecall this template a “bonding pattern”. It is thenormal and natural way that the baby relates toits mother and the mother relates to the baby; it’sthe way in which we give and receive nurturance.If the baby didn’t relate by taking nourishmentfrom the mother and the mother didn’t feel goodabout giving nourishment to the baby—if thereis no bonding—there is trouble. Without thisparent/child bonding, the baby doesn’t thrive.
But, when we are no longer infants thisdefault position for relationship remains and isno longer so useful. If we look carefully, we findthat we are relating to others in the same parent/child fashion. The mother or father in us relatesto the child self in another and, conversely, thechild self in us relates to the mother or father inthe other. This is still natural and normal—butfor most people it is no longer rewarding. Thereare many ways in which this can show itself andwe can’t look at them all here, but we can giveyou an example of this default setting—a classicbonding pattern.
Mary is a feeling person and has a tendencyto become a caretaker. This caretaking self inher would “bond in” with John’s unspoken needsand take care of him. When her “default setting”takes over, she must take care of John and hisunspoken feelings even if this means she doesnot take care of herself—she has no choice inthe matter—a role she invariably assumes withmen. As this happens, his default setting takesover and he becomes more and more rational inhis behavior and distances more and more fromhis own feelings. He has no choice in the mattereither—he becomes the thinker and plannerin the relationship—and he is the responsible,stoic, well-organized father, a role he invariablyassumes with women.
When we look at this bonding pattern, wecan see that the mother part of Mary is takingcare of the son part of John while the father partof John is taking care of the daughter part ofMary. Neither has any real choice in the matter,and neither can bring the fullness of themselvesto the other. John can’t feel his feelings and Marycan’t use her brains.
Beyond the Bonding Patterns
Think of it as setting the preferences on yourcomputer. You can still use the default settings,but you now have choice. You can change thedetails of the relationship—just the way you canchange the preferences on your computer -sothey suit you.
So if we go back to Mary, once she movesbeyond the bonding pattern she has choice. Shemay still take care of John’s emotional needs, butshe now can take her own emotional needs intoconsideration. She can also see that John carriesa very important disowned self for her—themind that she had totally forgotten about, themind that she had disowned when she was alittle girl. She can use her relationship to John tohelp her reclaim her mind rather than dependingupon him to carry the thinking for both of themfor the rest of their lives. She then has access toboth her feelings and her thinking.
And John can have choice as well. He maystill want to carry most of the responsibility forthinking things through, but he can begin toask Mary to figure things out and to take someresponsibility for the planning in their lives. Hecan learn about his feelings and begin to payattention to them. He can use the relationshipto Mary as a way to reclaim the feelings that henever knew he had, the feelings he disownedwhen he was a boy and he developed his mindas a primary self. Thus it is that relationship canbecome a powerful teacher for both of them.
The Possibilities
You can begin to see the amazing possibilities forgrowth (and healing) that open up for you whenyou look at your relationships in this way. Weexplore these bonding patterns in depth in ourDVDs, The Voice Dialogue Series, our CDs,particularly Making Relationships Work forYou, and in our books, particularly Partneringand Embracing Each Other.
Positive Bonding Patterns
When the selves involved in the bonding patternare protective, nurturing parents and childrenwho need care or who truly appreciate a caringparent, this can feel comfortable and quite safe.Then we call it a positive bonding pattern.
This doesn’t mean it is good, it just meansit feels pretty good. This default position—likethe default setting on your computer—works.But it severely limits your choices in life and itjust doesn’t give you, or the other person, thechance to be all that you can be! But the worstof all is that this positive bonding pattern almostinvariably leads to a negative bonding pattern. Everyone knows what that is like; it feels terrible,and when you try to do to fix it, either nothingchanges or you find you have made mattersworse. We will talk more about negative bondingpatterns next time.
As a matter of fact, the selves you like best inothers and want to keep around (like the responsibleones, the caretakers, or the indulgent ones)might actually not be very good for you—justlike too many sweets. These selves in the otherperson can become like parents to you. And,when they do, you are likely to lose the ability tocare for yourself. This creates real vulnerabilityin you and an unstable situation of deep dependence.At the same time, it usually creates a feelingof being responsible for the other person.
What Happens in the Positive Bonding Pattern?
You are severely limited. There are only parentaland child selves available to you in this positivebonding pattern. Think of it as though you havetaken your partner’s (or friend’s or co-worker’s)Inner Child onto your lap and have promised tocare for it. Conversely, your partner (or friend orco-worker) has taken your Inner Child into his/her lap and is taking care of it. Neither of youhas access to your own child, only to the others’. This has a good side and a bad side. The goodside is that you protect, love, and care for one another.The bad side is that you forget how to takecare of yourself and become totally dependentupon—and, at some level, responsible for—theother person.
There are other difficulties. You cannot riskdisrupting the delicate balance, so you don’tdo or say anything that might upset the otherperson. There is less and less to talk about. Moreand more of your emotional reactions go undergroundand begin to become silent judgments.And—perhaps worst of all—you forget who youare and what is important to you.
How Can Your Recognize a Positive Bonding Pattern?
The relationship feels “airless”—not necessarilysuffocating—but airless as though you werein a room in which all the windows have beenclosed for some time.
The relationship becomes less spontaneous. Everything seems predictable.
The sexuality has disappeared, diminished, or lostits passion and become just a part of the daily duties.
You usually feel strong, more able to take careof the really important matters, quite competentand—with understanding and affection—you seethe more childish qualities and the needs of yourpartner.
There is less and less to talk about and thereare more and more topics to avoid.
You find that you are arranging your life toaccommodate the other person.
You can’t remember your own preferences;you have trouble remembering what gives youpleasure—what it is you really like to do.
You have forgotten what it is that your partnerdoes—or did—that upsets you.
You don’t share your reactions or feelings—ifyou do feel them—because you fear that theywill hurt the other person, or that they mightdisrupt a perfectly good relationship.
You don’t feel entitled to want something orfeel a feeling if it might disrupt the relationship.
You find yourself being attracted to—or havingfantasies of romance with—people outside ofyour relationship.
How Can You Disengage From aPositive Bonding Pattern?
You can disengage from these bondingpatterns and develop a truly intimaterelationship that includes more of who youare. This takes time and evolves gradually.The following steps will really help you tomove ahead:
Take back the responsibility for yourself,for your own sensitivities, needs, feelings, andboundaries. Learn to take care of yourself.
Ask yourself the following questions todiscover where you’ve lost boundaries:
“What am I doing that I don’t want to do?”
“What am I not doing that I do want to do?”
Learn to share your reactions (feelings andthoughts) with the other person.
And learn to set proper boundaries by sayingYes and No appropriately.
Negative Bonding Patterns
Everyone knows about “negative bonding patterns”.You may not know what they’re called,but you know what they feel like. They feel absolutelydreadful! It’s the way that you feel whenthings are just not working in a relationship.
In contrast to the positive bonding pattern,you are caught in an uncomfortable child/parentset of interactions. The selves involved inthe negative bonding pattern are usually angry,rejecting, judgmental, or withdrawn parentalselves and hurt, stubborn, fearful, or abandonedchild selves.
There’s nothing subtle about these—theyjust feel bad. In fact, it is when you are in one ofthese negative bonding patterns that you mightwell feel that relationships are just not worth thetrouble. It is in these negative bonding patternsthat you find yourself thinking things like: “Iknew it! All men (or women) are like that!” or“I’m just no good at relationship.” or “Relationshipsare impossible—I give up!”
You may feel misunderstood, taken-advantage-of, desperate, lonely, and powerless, oryou may feel righteously judgmental and angrywith your partner. Or you may feel both wayssimultaneously. No matter, the relationship justfeels bad—very, very bad. You are trapped in animpossible situation; trying to make things workwith someone who doesn’t hear you, who misunderstandsyou, who responds in all the wrongways, who hurts you, and—unfortunately—seems to have all the power in the relationship.And most surprising of all, your partner usuallyfeels the same way about you.
The harder you try to fix it, the worse thingsget—because it is the selves that are stuck in thebonding pattern that are trying to get you out ofit and they are part of the problem.
But worst of all, this negative bonding patternvery often follows a positive bonding pattern.You have gone from the trust, comfort,and apparent safety of the positive bondingpattern to this—and you feel deeplybetrayed. It’s as though you were sitting ina nice warm bath and someone came in andthrew ice water all over you.
The Gift of the Negative BondingPattern
Believe it or not, there is truly a gift in all of this!The negative bonding pattern is a great teacher.There are three big lessons to learn from it:
Where am I not taking care of myself?
You learn to care for yourself.
This covers your entire life—everywhere youhave overlooked your own vulnerability, feelings,and needs. You may need to set a schedule and balanceyour checkbook, to take time to do things thatgive you real pleasure, to set boundaries, to react toothers, to ask for (and be able to receive) what youneed, to take better care of your own physical needs,to develop a spiritual life, etc., etc.
What selves have I disowned that I need toclaim in order to be more complete?You reclaim the selves you’ve lost over alifetime.
Everyone has lost something—the selves thatthink, that are self-nurturing, that play, that feel,that have power, that have creativity, that aresexual, that are spiritual, that can be perfect, thatcan be imperfect—and on and on. The selves youjudge (or overvalue) in others are those you needto reclaim.
What happens to me—who do I becomewhen my life and my relationships stop workingsmoothly?
You learn to “reprogram your relationshipsoftware.”
Until you begin to change your automaticpatterns of relationship, your default selftakes over when you are not taking care ofyourself properly (see step 1). It takes careof matters for you—and not very well, wemight add. The negative bonding patternwakes you up—it gives you the opportunityto learn about this self and reprogram yourway of dealing with life.
What Can You Learn From aNegative Bonding Pattern?
The self you judge in the other person—theone you like least—is the one that has somethingimportant to teach you. It is your “disowned”self. It is a part of you that was lostwhen you developed your “primary” self—who you are in the world. If you use this asa chance to reclaim that self—not to becomeit—you have just added a new, useful, andexciting dimension to your personality!
How this works: For instance, yourprimary self is a Perfectionist or a HighAchiever. Your partner never seems to dothings perfectly but is quite content witha performance that seems good enough tosatisfy others even if it doesn’t satisfy you.Granted, it’s great to do things really well,to be impeccable and to enjoy the sense ofsuperiority that this brings, but wouldn’t itbe wonderful to have a bit of choice aboutthis? To be able to set priorities and decidethat some things need to be done perfectly,but others can be just “good enough”?
That’s where your partner’s more relaxedself comes in. If you could just take a bitof this into yourself (think of a drop of theessence of it)—you don’t have to become atotal slob—you could have some choice. Youwouldn’t always have to be tops in the classand life would be a good deal easier.
How Can You Disengage from aNegative Bonding Pattern and “Reprogram Your Computer”?
Stop trying to fix the situation or the other person.
Know you are in a bonding pattern and—aswe have shown earlier—use the bonding patternas a learning situation. Look at the patternrather than at the other person. See howthe “dance of the selves” is operating.
Figure out where you have not been caringfor yourself adequately—and take care ofyourself.
Negative bonding patterns occur whenyou’re not taking care of your “inner child”.This may be as simple as eating a meal, phoninga good friend who makes you feel better,getting some sleep, finishing a task that hasbeen waiting to be finished (or conversely—stopping your work and doing somethingthat’s fun).
Learn to set boundaries. Think carefully—just as you look both ways before you crossthe street, look at both sides—before you sayeither yes or no to someone else.
Learn to react to your partner. It is importantto know how to talk with the otherperson—not at him or her.
If you want real intimacy, keep connectedto your partner. Learn when you’re connectedwith one another and when you’renot. We call it the “energetics of relationship”and talk about it in the article “SomeThoughts on Energetic Connection”. Thisis something we deal with in detail on thevideos and our CDs—particularly the CDson The Pleaser, The Rational Mind, andThe Psychological Knower. It helps tosee—or hear—about this as well as to readabout it.
We believe that all relationships (not justromantic ones)—and the challenges theypresent—are the most exciting roads to selfknowledge,personal growth, and real empowerment. Check out our bookstore for books, DVDs, and CDs and enjoy your trip!
© June, 2004
Original source and copyright: Hal Stone, Ph.D., and Sidra Stone, Ph.D.. Read the original at Voice Dialogue International.