By Sidra Stone, Ph.D.. Reproduced with permission.
Hal and Sidra Stone: their work and the complete article library · Further Reading
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Sidra Stone, Ph.D.This article was found at: www.voicedialogue.org. Please visit us for more articles and other resources.Th is is a major time of growth and changefor all of us in the international Voice Dialoguecommunity. It’s a time of deep satisfaction for whatwe have created together, a poignant time thatbrings home to each of us the inexorable fl ow ofthe river of life, and a time of hope for what canemerge from our joint journeys of consciousness.Although Hal and I are still active professional-ly and personally and we continue to evolve, weare no longer involved in the daily workings ofthe community in the old way. And, as we pullback from our traditional roles as leaders andassume a more mentoring role, the internationalcommunity is organizing itself into a number ofdiff erent communities – each with its own par-ticular enerzzzzzzshould be. But it is diff erentfrom the traditional model in which there is aninitial vision or inspiration (like Voice Dialogueand the Psychology of Selves) that becomes solid-ifi ed into a school (with its own dogma) and thencertifi es its students as profi cient practitioners ofits methodology. We see this as an unfolding of anon-hierarchical, inclusive, and continually evolv-ing international movement. Rather than beingplanned -either by us or by our students - fromthe “top down” , it is a living self-organizing set ofcommunities. Some of these (particularly thoseinvolved with universities or professional training)will doubtless become more traditional and for-mal in form and content; others will be less formbound and more fl owing. Still others will take onlya part of our work and combine it creatively withtheirs in ways we never would have imagined andsomething totally new will emerge. But all will berelated and there will be a familial sense of sharedroots refl ected in their basic concepts. And allwould be involved in a similar process of expand-ing consciousness - a consciousness that is inclu-sive rather than exclusive and mutually respectfulrather than polarized.Th e DreamHal had a lovely dream image that described thisprocess. In his dream he sees us living in a lovely,very large, forested area with a feeling of Th era butit isn’t Th era. In this forested area live the teachersand leaders of the extended Voice Dialogue com-munity as well as individuals who are related to thespirit of the work, whatever their life work mightbe. Th e quality that all share is an Aware Ego Pro-cess (although this was not named in the dream.Each individual, couple, or group has its ownunique place to live and - since the area is so large- there is a great deal of space around each of theseplaces. Th us, there is a feeling of spaciousness andprivacy as well as community. Each person hashis/her own life and lives totally independently ofus and of the others in the community. We cometogether at times that are appropriate for each ofus. We all share in the spirit of the work that wedo, but the community is totally non-hierarchal.No one is “certifi ed” in this group and no one isspecial - not even ourselves. Everyone is simply anatural leader. Th is is our community.Th e Bonding PatternsTh e challenges as these communities form willcome in the classic form: bonding patterns. Th isis to be expected and - in the past - these bondingpatterns between groups have signaled the endof cooperation and the end of growth. Hopefully,the experience we all have in dealing with bond-ing patterns both in our individual processesand in our interpersonal dealings will give us theability to deal with them as communities. Eachof us - and each community - has its own uniquecontribution to make. But since these will diff er, itmay be diffi cult for some to see the contributionsof others. Isn’t that always the way of our selves?Th is is a perfect time to use the tools that we havedeveloped over the past 35 years. It is the time touse the Psychology of Selves to see what is happen-Th e Next Part of the JourneySome Th oughts About the International Voice Dialogue CommunityMay 21, 2009by Sidra Stone, Ph.D.
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Sidra Stone, Ph.D.ing. As usual, we look at the three aspects of thebonding pattern and ask ourselves the three basicquestions. Each aspect of the bonding pattern hassomething important to teach us and, in doing thework that is presented to us, we continue in our in-dividual and community growth and enrichment.Th e Disowned Selves First, and most simply, lookat the disowned selves that your group and the“other” group hold for each other. Th e question toask is: “What do you judge about the other group?”Another question that gives the same informationis: “What is it that intimidates you about the othersand makes you feel ‘less than’?” Th e answers tothese questions will give you the primary self ofyour group and the disowned self that the othergroup carries. Y ou will each have a gift - a particu-lar self or way of dealing with life - that is missingin the other. Th en the challenge is to separatefrom the primary self of the group and to fi ndwithin yourselves, as individuals, the disownedself that is carried by the others. Standing betweenthese opposites automatically moves you beyondduality, into the Aware Ego Process of an expand-ed consciousness. And, on a very practical level,it gives you the ability to see the world throughthe eyes of the others, to understand them, and tocommunicate more eff ectively. And as the groupchanges, the bonding patterns with outsiders willbe less intense. We can’t tell you how to do this;each group will work this out independently andin its own particular way. No two groups will bealike. Th ere are many sets of opposites that arejust waiting to emerge. Th e following are just a fewpossibilities.Form vs. Spirit Th is dichotomy has alwaysbeen a concern of ours; we see the need for acertain amount of form in the need for trainingrequirements and/or appropriate licensing forfacilitators, but we are eager to preserve the spiritof the work. We are aware that embracing theseparticular opposites is particularly diffi cult andwill pose an ongoing challenge.Academics (content oriented) vs.Processors (process oriented) Somegroups will be more interested in getting togetherto exchange information and ideas while otherswill prefer to engage in an ongoing group processwith like-minded peers.Mental vs. Intuitive Th ere will be groupsthat are more oriented towards evolving systemsand others that wish to preserve a free-fl owing,moment by moment, approach to this work.Spiritual/transcendent vs. Pragmatic/worldly Th ere will be groups that are ori-ented towards practical applications of the workin the world, such as those who work in businessconsulting. Others will be more interested in tran-scendent states and will use this work (or portionsof it) as an adjunct to the primary goal of spiritualgrowth.Traditionalists vs. Rebels Th ere will begroups that wish to move this work into traditionalscientifi c, therapeutic, or academic settings and tocarry out acceptable academic/scientifi c investiga-tions while others will reject - and studiously avoid- any such mainstream requirements, associations,or activities.Psychological vs. Physical Th ere will begroups that use this work for deep and transfor-mative psychological work in a fairly traditionalpsychotherapeutic manner. Others will focus uponworking directly with the body rather than beinginterested in psychological matters and use thiswork in a circumscribed way to help to decipherthe messages that the body carries.pg. 2) Th e Next Part of the JourneyThis article was found at: www.voicedialogue.org. Please visit us for more articles and other resources.
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Sidra Stone, Ph.D.Th e FormWhenever we enter into a bonding pattern, twoof our selves (at least) take over our interactionswith others. Th is is what we mean by “the form” ofthe bonding pattern. Th is can be true of commu-nities as well as individuals. So the question to askyourself is: Which of my selves have taken over?”or “Who did I just become?” Here’s an idea ofsome selves that could possibly be waiting to takeover the wheel of your group’s psychological car.On the “parent” side there are the Patriarchsand Matriarchs, controlling parents, judgmentalparents, demanding parents, shaming parents,responsible parents, and proselytizing parents.And, on the “child” side, there are rebel children,stubborn children, inadequate children, shamedchildren, guilty children, passive/aggressive chil-dren, frightened children, desperate children, andconforming children.When these selves take over, they have lives oftheir own. It is very easy for matters to spin out ofcontrol when this happens - and happen it will.Again and again. To step back (whether sooner orlater) and to recognize who you have become is anextraordinary act of consciousnessTh e Disowned VulnerabilityTh e question to ask is: “What is making youvulnerable?”Th ere are a number of areas of vulnerability thatmost of the emerging Voice Dialogue communitiesshare at this time.We, as the original parents to the community,are gradually withdrawing. Th is loss of a set of par-ents, of a recognizable vessel, of a strong leadership- or focus - creates a vacuum and a real vulnera-bility in the community at large. Also, for those ofyou who have been with us for many years, there isa personal loss as we are no longer available in theold way.Th is is a big change - for ourselves as well asfor the larger community - and, for us, there is thevulnerability of being unable to handle the mul-tiple tasks we used to handle. We see that confer-ences are being held around the world that we canno longer hope to attend and we hear of excitinginnovations that have evolved without us. We feela deep sadness as we experience this inexorablefl ow of the river of life. But this is what is and it is avulnerability that we wanted to share with you. Forourselves, as we allow ourselves to experience thissadness rather than fi ght it or deny it, it brings acertain peace and a real happiness at what contin-ues to emerge.Th ere are also the fi nancial aspects of thischange and the possible loss of a more stablesource of income. When we traveled, we were ableto bring together groups to attend conferences andtrainings and our staff and teachers could thenuse these as a base for further expansion. Th is isno longer available. To make matters even morechallenging, this change is coming at a time whenthere is an enormous amount of economic stress inthe world.Th is fi nancial vulnerability is not to be under-estimated. At times like these competition forresources will likely become the focus and yourprimary selves will rush in to protect you andoft en become a part of the problem. Th is fi nancialvulnerability is real, and it opens you to bondingpatterns. Th is is true for groups as well as for indi-viduals.pg. 3) Th e Next Part of the JourneyThis article was found at: www.voicedialogue.org. Please visit us for more articles and other resources.
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Sidra Stone, Ph.D.Th ese are just two major current vulnerabili-ties. Each person and each group will have its ownspecifi c ones.Feeling this vulnerability - and not becoming avictim to it - is the fi rst step in dealing with it. Andsharing it with others - who oft en have the samevulnerability - can lead to real intimacy and somecreative problem solving.Empowerment - the Aware EgoProcessTh is situation presents you with the opportu-nity to move out of the bonding patterns and intoa deeper level energetic awareness and of empow-erment. As you make the move towards caring foryour own vulnerability (as an individual and as agroup) and as you learn to separate further fromthe primary selves that have cared for this vulnera-bility in the past, you will be able to move throughlife in a more empowered way.Y ou, and your group or community, will no lon-ger need to be recognized as “the one” or “the best”but as unique - and one of many related inter-acting energy systems. Hal and I go through thisprocess ourselves in relation to the worldwide con-sciousness network. We deeply love our extendedcommunity and we are sorely tempted to thinkthat it - and the work we do - is the very best of all.It is true that we are unique, but so are others andeach has something important to contribute. Weare just one among many.Th e JourneyWe see our international community as partic-ipating in a grand experiment. Our journey hasmoved us in ever-expanding circles. We beganwith ourselves as individuals, moved on to learn-ing about ourselves in relationship and, as wecontinue the journey, we seem to be moving intoa wider arena - that of multiple communities. Foreach of us, this work begins with our own indi-vidual journey of consciousness. We learn aboutour many selves from our own feelings, from ourinteractions with others, from our dreams anddaydreams, and from whatever path of self-ex-ploration we follow. We learn about our primaryselves and - as we discover that there is more to usthan these selves - we separate from them. As weno longer identify with these selves, we are opento the inclusion of their opposites. And - as we canactually feel opposites, as we truly develop choicein our lives - an Aware Ego process emerges. Ourlives are no longer run by the rules of a few selves,but a self-organizing principle begins to workwithin us. Our choices and our lives become morecongruent and individual. It’s somewhat like theformation of fractals - universal and familiar, butat the same time individual, patterns emerge fromseeming chaos. Moving from ourselves as individ-uals to the journey of relationship, we learn to lookat ourselves through the lens of relationship. Ourrelationship - and the inevitable bonding patterns(the “dance of relationship” as we called it in theearly days) that it brings with it - teaches us whowe are when we interact with others. We expandbeyond the automatic responses of our bondingpatterns and are able to relate at a deeper and morepurely energetic level. We then make space for theself-organizing principle that works within therelationship. We believe that this is what is referredto when people speak of “the other” as the thirdparticipant in the relationship between two people.Here the relationship itself becomes more indi-pg. 4) Th e Next Part of the JourneyThis article was found at: www.voicedialogue.org. Please visit us for more articles and other resources.
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Sidra Stone, Ph.D.vidual and congruent as a new harmonic evolves.And now we are all embarked on a new explora-tion. As communities evolve, and as we use VoiceDialogue and the Psychology of Selves as tools forthe evolution of consciousness and as a commonframework for mutual understanding, we will seewhat emerges. Our expectation is that a similarself-organizing principle will begin to operate andthat just as unique individuals can learn to livetogether creatively and to synergistically evolve, socan unique communities. Th e Aware Ego processwas a milestone in the development of the individ-ual. Th e Bonding Patterns were a milestone in theexploration of relationships. We are eager to reachthe next milestone, but we are still on the jour-ney of discovery. And, as we did in the past withindividuals and couples, we again trust that as wefollow the path ahead, something new and excitingwill be discovered. Th is time we hope that we willsee a much needed new paradigm emerge - onethat deals with the interacting energies of unique,and quite disparate, communities. Th e old waysare no longer eff ective and a new consciousness isneeded. We hope that in learning ways of dealingwith its own underlying vulnerabilities and withreal diff erences in values and beliefs among itsmembers, our international Voice Dialogue com-munity will make its own particular contributionto this new consciousness. Th is next phase of thejourney is yours.Sidra StoneAlbion, CAMay 21, 2009pg. 5) Th e Next Part of the JourneyThis article was found at: www.voicedialogue.org. Please visit us for more articles and other resources.
Original source and copyright: Sidra Stone, Ph.D.. Read the original at Voice Dialogue International.