By Sidra Stone, Ph.D.. Reproduced with permission.
Hal and Sidra Stone: their work and the complete article library · Further Reading
by Sidra Stone, Ph.D.
I remember my first pair of really special shoes.They were perfectly delicious—a buttery, chocolatecolored suede—and whenever I wore them,all was wonderful. But now, more than sixty yearslater, I wouldn’t expect to be walking around inthe same shoes or in any shoes that resembledthem. They would not longer fit my circumstances—to say nothing of the fact that they would nolonger fit my feet.
And neither would the personality—orprimary selves—that worked for me at that timestill be appropriate. Our primary selves drive ourpsychological cars—their rules and expectationsdetermine how we live our lives. Why should anyof us expect the primary selves that we developedearly in life to still work for us? Why should theystill fit our lives any more than the shoes we woreor the cars we drove?
One of the secrets of aging is to know thisvery important fact of life. The primary selvesthat worked for you in earlier times are no longerappropriate. The older you get—no matter whatyou do to avoid it—your strength and staminawill eventually diminish and your body and yourrational mind will become less flexible.
Primary selves that depended upon limitlessenergy, good health, a strong body, agility, power,speed, beauty, youth, instant recall and totally upto-date knowledge—or on being indispensableto others—face real challenges! There are alsosome selves—like some shoes—that simply donot fit properly in the later stages of life.
Let’s look at some common primary selvesand see what this might look like.
Susie was a “Good Girl”. She learned howto follow the rules, to do whatever she was told,not to make a fuss, not to demand any attention,or be a bother to anyone. But now she is olderand it is important that she gets some attention.Susie needs to tell her doctor about a lump she’sfound in her breast, but when the doctor asks herhow she’s doing, this “Good Girl” primary selfautomatically tells the doctor “everything is justfine”. She can no longer carry her heavy suitcasebut her Good Girl does not wish to ask for helpbecause that would make her a bother to others.If she waits for someone to notice that she needshelp, Susie might wait forever as people hurry by.I know a woman who waited to call “911” untilafter 9:00 AM so that she wouldn’t bother them.She had fallen the night before and had lain onthe floor for six hours waiting until her GoodGirl felt it was the “proper” time to call.
It’s time for Susie to integrate a self that shehas disowned for her entire life—the part ofher that can ask for what she needs even if thismight inconvenience others. Her mother hadbeen so self-centered and demanding that Susievowed never to behave in that way. So for Susieand all the Good Girls of the world, the lateryears are a time to learn to care for themselvesrather than others and to ask for—and accept—help when it is needed.
Susie’s sister, Dorothy was her opposite. Herprimary self was a rebel. Her way of dealing witha demanding mother was to fight. Whatever shewas supposed to do, she did the opposite. ThisRebel self had great ideas—she thought outsidethe box and was very amusing and quite attractiveto others.
As she gets older, Dorothy’s rebelliousprimary self begins to present problems: sheautomatically resists all requirements. She refusesto do what is necessary to protect her health. Sheis grossly overweight and has multiple medicalchallenges. Unlike Susie, Dorothy’s primary selfglories in the discomfort she causes those aroundher and takes pride in her resistance to the suggestionsof others.
Dorothy could use some of Susie’s Good Girlat this point in her life. She could use a little ofthe Good Girl’s self-discipline and respect forthe rules. It would help her to deal with her currenthealth challenges if she could seek out thewisdom of others and follow their guidance.
Dan was a Responsible Father. When his ownfather died, Dan was only 9 years old, but he wasnow the man of the house. He took great pridein his new role and fulfilled it beautifully. He wasthe Responsible Father to his mother and to hissiblings; later in life he was Responsible Fatherto his wife and his own children. He was evenResponsible Father at work. In fact, it was theResponsible Father who had lived Dan’s life.
Now nobody in his family needs him in thesame way as before. The Responsible Father isout of a job. If Dan stays identified with thisResponsible Father, he has two ways to proceed.One is to feel unnecessary, and unwanted—hemay even begin to think that there is no longerany reason to live. A second way for the ResponsibleFather to proceed is to continue to do asbefore—he can find new areas in which to beresponsible even though it is no longer naturaland may require an inordinate amount of effortat this time of life.
Looking at this from a growth orientation,we see that now Dan has the opportunity toseparate from this Responsible Father and tobegin to reclaim the selves that he needed to disownearlier in life. He has the chance to discoverwhat it is in life that would give him pleasure.He has a chance to explore his own creativity,to take up golf or snorkeling, to read thehistorical novels that he’d never had time for,to study a foreign language, or perhaps take aromantic cruise with his wife.
Angie’s mother always seemed to be busyand, by the time she was only three years old,Angie knew that the most important thing inlife was to be productive, to never waste a minuteof precious time. So, in order to be lovedand appreciated in her house, she developed aprimary self of Pusher.
Much to her mother’s delight, Angiebecame a world class Pusher. When she wasyounger, this was a source of great pride—shecould get more done than anyone else sheknew and this made her special to her family,her friends, and her associates. Most important,it made Angie special to herself.
But now Angie is older, her mother has beendead for many years and the stress of a constantbusyness is beginning to wear her down. Nowit’s hard for her to keep abreast with the Pusher’sdemands. So Angie spends a good deal of timeworrying about her advancing age and herinability to get things done. In the eyes of herPusher, she is no longer a worthwhile person.According to her Pusher, she is now incompetent,no better than the others who—in theeyes of the Pusher—aren’t as productive asthey should be.
If she wants to enjoy the remainder of herlife, Angie needs to take over the wheel of herpsychological car from her Pusher. It’s time totake back her judgments of the “lazy good-fornothings”of the world, integrate her Beach Bum,learn to relax and start taking an afternoon napwithout guilt.
Gary’s father was a perfectionist and veryjudgmental of anyone who didn’t match up to hisexpectations. Nothing ever seemed to please himand his family never knew when he would burstinto a tirade about their inadequacies. So Garydeveloped an Inner Critic that tried to protecthim from his father’s devastating criticism. HisInner Critic tried to get there first—to criticizeGary before anyone else did so that he could correcthis mistakes thereby avoiding the pain andhumiliation of a very public judgment.
Gary’s Inner Critic enforces the major ruleof his Perfectionist: “No mistakes! Thou shalt beperfect in every way.”
Now Gary is older, he can take this opportunityto make his own rules. How about:“You don’t have to be perfect. Just do what youcan do.” If he keeps the rule of perfection asthe foundation of his life and the Inner Criticremains one of his primary selves, life will bea total nightmare. There is nothing more devastatingthan an oversized Inner Critic as youage. Each time Gary would forget a name oran appointment, each time he would look in amirror, each time he would try to stop the agingprocess and get more control over his life, theInner Critic would pounce on him. He needs tointegrate other selves that will balance the InnerCritic—perhaps a spiritual self, an unconditionallyloving grandmother, a nurturing mother, or aprotective father.
Each of our primary selves brings us somethingspecial. Each has its own area of expertise,a certain kind of knowledge. We need this. Wedon’t want to lose their gifts. But we need somethingmore, more than any single self can bringto us. Our primary selves bring us knowledge butthe Aware Ego process, as it embraces opposites,brings us wisdom, a wisdom that comes fromliving life completely in all its complexity andcarrying the paradoxes and contradictions.
As we grow older, we can make use of ourchanging circumstances to move away fromthe primary selves of our youth. The selves arebasically inflexible, and the older we get, themore inflexible they become. Their solution toall vulnerability, and to any new challenge, is todo more of the same, more of what they do. Soa Pusher’s solution is to do more, a ResponsibleParent searches for more responsibilities to assume,and a Rebel finds more rules and requirementsto rebel against. But the Aware Egoprocess is just that—a process—and as such it ischanging, fluid and flexible.
As we lose the flexibility of our bodies andour minds, we can introduce more flexibilityinto our lives through the psyche and the soul.We can use this precious time to separate fromour primary selves and bring back into our livesthe many selves that—over the years—were leftbehind. We can live our lives increasingly in theflow of an Aware Ego process and we can makethis a time for “coming home”!
To apply this in your own life, think aboutthese questions:
1. What are your primary selves or—to put itanother way—who is driving your psychologicalcar?
2. Why do you think you developed theseparticular primary selves?
3. How did these selves work for you? Whatrewards did they earn or what dangers did theyavoid?
4. How might these selves not work so wellany longer?
5. Or, if they are still working, how mightthey not work as well in the future?
6. If you were to introduce just a tiny bit ofthe disowned self (which carries the oppositequalities) into your life what might it bring you?
© August, 2005
Original source and copyright: Sidra Stone, Ph.D.. Read the original at Voice Dialogue International.