By Hal Stone, Ph.D., and Sidra Stone, Ph.D.. Reproduced with permission.
Hal and Sidra Stone: their work and the complete article library · Further Reading
by Hal Stone, Ph.D. & Sidra Stone, Ph.D.
This article is about judgments and their effecton relationship. Without question, ongoing judgmentis the most damaging aspect of relationship.There is usually one or more family memberwho carries the judgment and other familymembers who receive it. This judgment may besilent or expressed. In any case, when allowed tofester over time it will do its damage and relationshipswill suffer and deteriorate accordingly.In primary relationships where people are livingtogether it is difficult to imagine anything moredestructive to the relationship over time than theexistence of on going judgment.
Many people don’t even know that they holdjudgments. They have had them for so long thatthey are totally identified with them and don’tsee them as separate from themselves in anyway. (In the early days of psychology they usedto refer to this identification with a thought orfeeling as being ego-syntonic.) Conversely, somepeople are raised in families where they werejudged harshly when they were growing up. Asthese move into adulthood, they are so accustomedto being criticized that they don’t even realizethat they are being beaten up constantly byother peoples’ judgments of them (as well as bythe internal judgments held by the Inner Criticand/or the Inner Patriarch). We have discussedthis at great length in our book Embracing YourInner Critic and in Sidra’s book on the InnerPatriarch, The Shadow King.
In considering the meaning of judgment inrelationship, there are four fundamental psychologicalprinciples that we will be discussing inthis article.
1. Whomever we judge or whatever we judgeis an expression of one or more of our disownedselves.
2. In addition to the disowned selves, underlyingevery judgment is an underlying vulnerabilityof which we are unconscious and/or unableto communicate.
3. So long as these disowned selves remaindisowned, they will return over and over again tohaunt us in one or more of our relationships. Relationshipis the playground of the intelligence ofthe universe that ultimately forces us to embraceall of our selves.
4. As a corollary to all of the above, we cansay that the people, things, objects or ideas thatwe judge the most intensely have the possibilityof becoming our most important teachers—oncewe know how to work with our judgments.
Definitions
Before we continue our discussion of judgmentwe would like to present some basic definitionsfor those readers who are new to our work on thePsychology of Selves.
Primary Selves
In the growing up process all of us are creaturesof conditioning and the personality thatdevelops is a function of this conditioning. Weeither identify with the ideas, emotional responsesand psychological training that are given tous or we rebel against them. There are times thatwe may do some combination of both—eithersimultaneously or sequentially (at different timesin our lives). Primary Selves is the name that wegive to the primary pattern of behavior, thoughtand emotional response that we are identifiedwith at a particular time in our life. All of us areidentified with our primary selves until we beginthe process of separating from them. There is noescaping this reality, not for any of us. In Jungianterminology, the primary selves would determinethe nature of the persona.
Disowned Selves
When we grow up in a family, we identifywith certain selves. This means that automaticallywe reject the opposite selves. Thus if a womangrows up identified with being a giving andmaternal kind of woman, then her disowned selfwill be the opposite energy, her more selfish andself serving interests. Disowned selves then carryour repressed psychological and emotional content.They are equal and opposite of the primaryselves.
In Jungian terminology, the shadow would bethe equivalent of the disowned selves so long asit is understood that shadow refers to repressedcontent that can be both light and dark.
Projection
Unconscious contents in us are constantlyjumping out of us and landing on other people,objects and ideas. You walk by a store that carriesIndian jewelry. You see a squash blossom necklaceand you feel that you have to have it, that itbelongs to you, no matter how expensive it maybe. You are filled with all kinds of new feelingsas you gaze at it. You have projected an aspect ofyour own spiritual nature onto the necklace. Itmay actually be a beautiful piece of jewelry, butthe magic that you give it is the magic of yourown unrealized spiritual/ creative nature. Whatdoes this look like?
A very busy businessman buys a World WarII jeep and spends a fortune fixing it up. It drivesterribly and is always breaking down and he hasa love/hate relationship to it. What has compelledhim to buy this jeep and spend a fortunetrying to make it work for him? He has projectedonto the Jeep his disowned adventurer and hisown playful child. His primary self system is thePusher and all its allies. The Jeep is no longer aJeep. It is, rather, a playground for the neglectedplayful and adventurous parts of himself thathave been buried for a good many years and thathe is trying to contact by owning this Jeep. Theproblem is that it is still a World War II Jeepand not a playground, and what he yearns forcontinues to elude him and to live in projectedform, outside of himself.
A man falls in love with a spiritual woman whois a disciple of a well-known guru. He judges herconstantly for her spirituality. She finally leaves andhe is bereft. He yearns for her. After a few monthshe enters into a new relationship with a womanwho is part of the same spiritual community as hisfirst partner. He is projecting his own disownedspiritual nature onto the woman. He will continueto do this until he is able to begin to integrate hisown unconscious spiritual nature. Until then, thejudgments will continue along with the intenseattractions. Such projections are one of the keyelements in keeping psychotherapists in business.With therapists, one projects positive emotional,intellectual and spiritual contents onto the therapistin the hope that ultimately these qualities willbecome a part of one’s own nature.
Projection is like a bridge that reaches fromus to the other person or object. We then are ableto walk across this bridge. And once we are onthe other side, we find not just the other person,but we also find our own disowned selves thathave crossed the bridge with us and have been—up until now—living only in the other person.
Judgment
When we talk about judgment in this context,we are thinking of judgment as a strong negativereaction that we have to someone or something.Something is wrong with the other person. Judgmentsare connected to the
Discernment
Discernment is an objective evaluation ofsomeone or something that is not based on adisowned self. There is no negative valence to theevaluation, no intense negative reaction. Judgmentscan be transformed into discernments bythe procedures described in this article.
The Ego
The ego is the term developed at the turn ofthe century, primarily through psychoanalyticaltheory. It was originally described as the executivefunction of the psyche, the part of us thatsails the ship. What we understand now withthe Psychology of Selves is that the ego is simplythe group of primary selves that is running thepersonality. We call these the “Operating Ego”.
When spiritual seekers talk about “getting ridof the ego,” they are seeing the ego as essentiallynegative and they want to get rid of it becausethey feel it interferes with genuine spiritualdevelopment. In fact, the primary self grouping isvery important to our well being and our abilityto use power in the world. The trick is to learn tonot be identified with it. When you try and “getrid of the ego” you are in danger of becoming avictim and losing the ability to be effective in theworld.
The Aware Ego
Whenever we separate from a way of thinkingor acting we are no longer identified withthat pattern of behavior. We now have an AwareEgo in relationship to that pattern (to the primaryself or selves). The Aware Ego is a processthat develops as we unhook from our primaryselves and become aware of and experience ourdisowned selves.
The Aware Ego process is always shifting andcan be eliminated if a strong primary self regainscontrol for some reason (usually something to dowith vulnerability). It is the Aware Ego processthat begins to serve increasingly as a coordinatingagency to regulate the different selves. In particularit is what enables us to embrace opposites and learnto work with them in our relationships.
The Aware Ego is not Awareness but rathermediates between Awareness and the many Selves.Awareness witnesses activity but does not live life.It is the Aware Ego that keeps one foot in theworld of Awareness and the other foot in the worldof the Selves and thus is in a position to makeproper choices for living in the world.
The Aware Ego is not the Self as used in Jungianterminology. The Self in Jungian terms refersto those elements of the psyche that are beyondthe personality layer. The Aware Ego embraces thepersonal level on one side and the Self on the other.You cannot pin down the Aware Ego becauseit isn’t a thing; it isn’t a self. It is a coordinatingmechanism that is born during the early stages ofthe transformational process that has the job of surrenderingto, and mediating, all of the selves.
The Operating Ego
As we separate from the primry self system,we develop some ability (the Aware Ego) to usethese primary selves without being under theircontrol. We begin to be in charge of the horsesthat pull the chariot instead of them being incharge of us.
As this new ability develops, there are stillelements of the primary self system that directour lives, usually without our knowledge. As wedid earlier, we continue to call the set of primaryselves the operating ego. This operating ego is thegroup of primary selves that continues to operatein us even as our Aware Ego develops. However,loses power as the Aware Ego grows stronger.
Psychological Boundaries
Psychological Boundaries refer to the abilityto say “no” and “” appropriately. To discoverwhere you may have lost boundaries, ask yourselfthese two questions: “What are you doing thatyou don’t want to do?” and “What aren’t you doingthat you do want to do?”
If you are a responsible type of person and arealways giving up your own time to help others,then you will suffer from a loss of boundariesbecause you are not making a real choice aboutwhat you are doing. Instead, it is the primary“Giver Self ” that is making the choice for you.When we lose our boundaries, a judgmentalvoice often emerges in us towards the person weperceive as invading our boundaries. A lack ofboundaries also opens us and actually enhancesthe judgmental side of another person. Clearboundaries made with real choice reduce theneed for judgmental reactions.
1. All Judgment is Based on Your Disowned Selves
Whatever you judge is a disowned self. Whateveryou hate is a disowned self. Whatever drivesyou crazy about your partner is a disowned self.On the other side, whatever you yearn for andovervalue is also a disowned self. “My God”, yousay, “My stepmother was the witch from hell.Do you mean to tell me that she is my disownedself? No way am I going to try and embrace her.No way am I ever going to try to be like her. Sheis pure evil!” So you say and it well may be true,but that doesn’t change a thing. The intensity ofyour negative reaction lets us know with absoluteclarity that your stepmother is your disownedself and that she has a very important kind ofmedicine that you need to complete yourself.
How does this happen? You grow up in afamily system that is very painful to you. Yourfather remarries and his new wife is the oppositeof your real mother. Your real mother waspassive, loving and giving and people could takeadvantage of her. Your father separates from herwhen you are quite young and your stepmotherenters the picture. She is everything your realmother wasn’t. She is selfish, withholding, verysexual, cunning, manipulative and quite closedon an energetic level. You push off from her andidentify with your mother.
Because you are so hurt by the stepmotheron so many occasions you turn off all positivefeelings towards her and enter into primary allegiancewith your own mother with whom youidentify totally. So you become a much moreloving and caring person. You are wide openenergetically (with few boundaries) and youtend to judge anyone who behaves impersonally(unless you first fall in love with that person).You are simply not going to behave the way yourstepmother does! Your primary selves are likeyour mother’s and possibly even your father’s.They (your primary selves) are what judge yourstepmother. Aware Egos do not judge. PrimarySelves do the judging.
Your first task then is to unhook from theprimary self or selves. This means separatingfrom the nice one, the loving one, the servingone, the open one and the giving one. This doesnot mean getting rid of these selves and becomingthe wicked witch from the east. It meansseparating from them and learning to use themconsciously and with choice.
The second step is recognizing that thewicked witch is a part of you that you haveburied. More accurately, it is a part of you thatyour primary self has buried. In Voice Dialoguewe ultimately allow these voices to speak so thatyou can become aware of, and experience, theirabsolute reality. Ultimately you will learn to usewitch energy in a conscious way. The Aware Egowill then be able to spread its arms and embraceboth the loving/caring/open energy on one sideand the more selfish/ self serving/ dark energyon the other side.
The rewards of this are great. If you live inthe light then you can only get on with peopleof the light. When dark energies come your wayyou are lost. By learning to use the stepmother’senergy you gain the power to deal with darkness.
So pay attention to your judgments. Starttoday. Start at this moment. Write down everyjudgment that you have in a small pad. Onceyou get the hang of it you will be amazed at howmuch more accelerated your own consciousnessprocess will be. Remember that we are notadvocating becoming the person that you judge.We are simply asking you to be reminded of thefact that the judgments are coming from yourprimary or disowned selves and that you havea method here for integrating your disownedselves in a very remarkable way.
Living in constant judgment, whether you arethe judge or the recipient of the judgment, is likeliving in a body of water that is very dirty. As youstep out of the world of judgment you step intoever-cleaner water. Our world desperately needspeople who can step out of these dark ponds andhelp themselves and others move towards clarity.
Many spiritual people judge judgment and tryvery hard to kill it. This simply means that, forthem, judgment is a disowned self. You cannotget rid of judgment by trying to act loving. Allthey do then is drive the judgments undergroundwhere they fester and can do much damage.Instead of trying to bury judgments, accept thespiritual task of embracing your judgments andlearning how to use them as the teachers theycan be.
2. Vulnerability Lies Beneath EveryJudgment
We have seen how every judgment is based ona disowned self. In addition to this, it is also thecase that beneath every judgment there is an underlyingvulnerability. Usually this is completelyunconscious. Sometimes there is an awareness ofthe vulnerability but an inability to share it withsomeone. How does this work?
John gets very angry with Mary because sheis always late when they go out together. He getsmore and more judgmental and angry and shegets later and later. In session we ask John whatdoes he feel underneath his anger. What is theunderlying feeling? He then says a surprisingthing. He says that when she is late he feels thatthings are out of control and he starts to feelfrightened.
The same thing happens to John when thehouse gets messy and he judges Mary for notbeing neat. We asked him to share with her whatthis felt like and the most remarkable conversationoccurred. He described his childhood homeas very chaotic. His siblings were running wildand his mother was on permanent overwhelm.His father was an alcoholic who avoided takingany kind of parental responsibility or control.Everything felt out of control all the time. SoJohn stepped in and began to try to bring orderinto this chaos. He started to parent his brotherand sister and mother and father. He did everythinghe could to see that things went well andstayed under control.
It was clear now why John judged Mary.Hearing his vulnerability was very different forher than feeling the sting of his constant rebukes.It also became clear to John that she was carryinghis disowned selves and that he had to eventuallyclaim the parts of him that he had to buryas a young boy. These would be the more relaxed,spontaneous, fun-loving selves who had no needto be constantly—and “safely”—in control.
In another example, Julie and Marie go to aparty. Julie loves to flirt and flirt she does. Marieis very upset and very judgmental towardsher when they get home. She tells Marie thatshe has behaved badly and made a fool out ofherself and Marie.
What was the underlying vulnerability? Mariefinally had to admit that she was very jealousand that the flirting scared her and made her feelthat she was going to be abandoned. The communicationof vulnerability really does amazingthings. Marie also had to ultimately deal withher disowned self which was a very flirtatiousAphrodite energy that she had locked away yearsbefore in reaction to a mother who was herselfvery attractive and very flirtatious and who hadhad many extramarital adventures.
In our own personal relationship, coming toour vulnerability and our disowned selves as theywere expressed in our judgments has moved ourprocess in an extraordinary way. Sadly enough,this kind of consciousness does cut down on thatdelicious feeling of righteousness that we used tohave with each other when we could remain injudgment for prolonged periods of time, each ofus dancing the “IT WAS YOUR FAULT” tango.Basically we have decided the following: Judgmentsucks. And the faster we can get out of it,the better we both feel, and the more fresh air wehave to breathe.
3. Every Disowned Self Becomes Oneof God’s Little Heat-Seeking Missles
We first wrote these words in our book, EmbracingOur Selves. They were true then and theyseem even truer today. The intelligence of theuniverse has devised a remarkable way of requiringus to claim our disowned selves and relationshipis the arena in which these remarkableevents can occur. We have seen how each ofus is identified with a group of primary selvesthat determines who we think we are and thatdefines how most people see us. Whatever theprimary self that we are identified with, onthe other side both equal and opposite, is ourdisowned self (or selves).
In relationship we are constantly coming intocontact with our disowned selves. We are eitherstrongly attracted to them as they are embodiedin someone else, or we are strongly judgmentaltowards them -- or sometimes it is even a combinationof both. The strength of our reactionis a function of the number and strength of thedisowned selves involved and the strength of theunderlying vulnerability that is present.
The point of all this is that there is noescaping our disowned selves. We will marrythem or they will manifest in one or more ofour children. We will unwittingly hire them towork for us or they will drop from the sky andappear at our doorstop. Our partner will havean affair with one of our disowned selves. Wewill live in the ongoing purgatory of our ownjudgmental nature—or as the victim of someoneelse’s judgments.
Whatever we can do to discover what selveswe are identified with and what selves that wedisown is going to change the quality of life thatwe lead in very dramatic ways. Our judgmentscan act as a light to lead us directly to our disownedmaterial. So remember the basic rules.It is the primary self that has the judgments.The Aware Ego does not judge. Remember toothat underneath every judgment is our underlyingvulnerability and this, too, is usually adisowned self.
4. The People We Judge Are theTeachers We Need
When we finally recognize that our judgmentscome from our primary selves and that theperson we are judging is carrying our disownedselves via the mechanism of projection, then weare ready to make a remarkable discovery. We areready to discover that the judged or hated objectis the teacher we need at that point in our life tohelp us to complete ourselves.
We are always looking for teachers in whiterobes to teach us about spirituality. That is onlyone kind of teaching. So far as relationship isconcerned, the best teachers are in your life rightnow at home and at work. They are the peoplethat you can’t stand and that you incessantlyjudge and talk about. They don’t generally wearcelestial garments, but they have the medicineyou need nonetheless.
This is really a very shocking idea becauseit requires a revolution in perspective. It meansthat rather than feel the righteousness of ourown judgments we look at the other person andinitially say, “Oh my God – you don’t mean totell me that Slob Sam is a teacher for me. Heeats like he lives in a pig pen.” Once you get overyour nausea and shock and possible faintingspell. you are ready for the next step. “If I am sototally negative towards Slob Sam, then I mustbe identified with being too proper. I must havegotten rid of my own slob nature in growing upin my own family system.”
Step three is when you begin to develop theability to establish connections. “I remember nowhow my mother was always berating my fatherfor being too much of a slob. I became identifiedwith my mother and couldn’t stand my father.He was really an earthy guy – very real but noteducated and not proper. And now I can see toohow my younger brother went the other way andjoined the slobs of the world. “
In the final step you begin to appreciate howmuch Slob Sam is a teacher for you. One doesn’tneed to understand the dynamics of this wholeprocess. You just need to begin to appreciatethat Slob Sam has something for you. He has amedicine that you need: your disowned self. Asthis consciousness begins to settle in, anotherremarkable thing begins to happen. Your dreamsbegin to change. The change in attitude towardsyour former enemies impacts the unconsciousand new kinds of dreams begin to emerge thatcan help you in the integration process of whathas been one or more of your disowned selves.
In Summary
Our world is full of hatred and judgment. Inmany places judgment has become such a primaryself that no one stops to even consider theamount of damage that is done to other people.In the political arena it has been raised to a fineart. We remember attending a meeting of thestate legislature of the province of Victoria whenwe were in Australia and the attacks on eachother of the political antagonists was as close asone could come to actually killing each other.
We hear New Yorkers judging Californiansfor being too loose and free and touchy feely andCalifornians judging New Yorkers for being toomental and uptight and proper. The judgmentsare based on disowned selves. They are all aroundus and inside of us.
We carry the same old judgments for decadesagainst our fathers and mothers and stepparentsand stepchildren. We hate political parties andthe political process and the candidates—and actorsand actresses. We don’t even realize that weare living in constant judgment. Everyone does.We have gone on long enough with this unconsciousworship of judgment and criticism.It is time to stop and to learn how to usejudgment as a vehicle for consciousness andhealing.
It is time to accept the challenge andexamine all of our relationships to see whereit is that we continue to remain stuck in thequicksand of judgment and to begin the processof freeing ourselves. The rewards of thiskind of work are well worth the effort. Newdoors open, more choices are available to us,and our lives can move safely and successfullyin directions that would have been unimaginableto our primary selves.
© April, 2000
Original source and copyright: Hal Stone, Ph.D., and Sidra Stone, Ph.D.. Read the original at Voice Dialogue International.