By Hal Stone, Ph.D., and Sidra Stone, Ph.D.. Reproduced with permission.
Hal and Sidra Stone: their work and the complete article library · Further Reading
by Hal Stone, Ph.D. & Sidra Stone, Ph.D.
This article is the first in a series of four written in 1994for the journal, Psychotherapy in Australia.
There is a mysterious realm within each ofus that alternately beckons and frightens theexplorer with its depth, its complexities and itssometimes startling contradictions.
This kingdom of the psyche and its manydisparate facets has long been a source offascination to us. In the early seventies wediscovered that the psyche contained manyindividual selves, each with its own way ofperceiving the world, each with its own personalhistory, physical characteristics, emotional andphysical reactions, and opinions on how weshould run our lives.
We have spent much of our time, bothprofessional and personal, in exploring theseselves which determine, to a considerable extent,the course of our lives. We have found thatthe more sharply we become attuned to theseinner voices, the more real choice we are able toexercise in the pursuit of our individual destinies.
The Birth of Personality
Let us begin with a consideration of thedevelopment of personality and the pivotal rolethat vulnerability plays in each of our lives. Weare all born totally vulnerable and, in our earlyyears, we must be cared for by other people. Ourvery lives depend upon this. Therefore, we begin,as early as possible, to develop a personality thatwill help us to protect this vulnerable core, thisinner child that lives within each of us. Thisinner child is with us forever. It never grows upand we are always responsible for its well being.The way we take care of this child is a majorfactor in determining the kind of personality wedevelop.
Very early in our lives a ‘self ’ begins todevelop to protect this child, a self that we callthe Protector/Controller. It looks around andbegins to determine what behavior is safe forthe child and what behavior is likely to bringphysical or emotional pain. It notices whatbehavior is rewarded and what is punished. Itfigures out the roles of the world around us sothat this world is predictable and makes sense,and sets up an appropriate code of behaviorfor our specific environment. When it isfunctioning appropriately it changes its rules toaccommodate any new input. It helps to keep lifecoherent, and is basically rational in nature. Itbecomes the Operating Ego or the cornerstoneof our personality. Along with the other primaryselves that develop to support it, it representswho we are in the world.
As time moves on, other parts of thepersonality develop, each contributing its flavorto this Operating Ego. A Pusher may develop tomake sure we get done what has to be done—and more besides. If it pushes hard enough thenwe will be so successful that no-one can criticizeus or attack us. A Pleaser generally develops thatmakes sure we are nice to people and thus ourchild remains safe. An Inner Critic develops tokeep us living properly according to the lawsof this Protector/ Controller, or, perhaps, aninner Rule Maker. Each of these selves developsin relationship to, and under the aegis of, theoriginal Protector/Controller. Together theycomprise what is known as the primary selfsystem and it is this primary self systems thatdefines who we are in the world to ourselves andto others.
Primary Selves, Disowned Selvesand the Aware Ego
What is generally seen as ‘the ego’ or as one’spersonality in general, is basically the Protector/Controller and the primary selves around it. Bydefinition, the job of the ego is to provide a goodexecutive function for the psyche. It needs tomake choices, like a good CEO. It needs to driveour psychological car, to attempt to bring orderto the conflicting parts of the psyche.
If, however, the ego is the Protector/Controller in conjunction with the Pleaser andPusher and Rational Selves, then the choicesmade in life come from the consciousnessand basic psychology of these particularselves that comprise this Operating Ego. It isthis Operating Ego that spiritually orienteddisciplines are trying to eliminate whenthey advise us to eliminate the ego so thatour spiritual development can proceed. Thisdomination by the primary selves which makeup the Operating Ego means that there will becontrasting selves of equal and opposite energythat are disowned or repressed. For instance,if the Protector/Controller has helped a mandevelop a strong Pusher in order to make himsuccessful in the world, on the other side will bea less developed or even a disowned system ofselves associated with playfulness, relaxation orlack of ambition.
The primary selves vary from family to family,culture to culture, and can even change in thecourse of our lives. The most common personalitydeveloped in our culture is one in which there isa strong Protector/Controller, and vulnerabilityhas been largely disowned. In this way, theprimary selves allow an individual to operate inthe world
Jane is a 35 year old woman very muchidentified with her mother role in life. She tookon this role as early as three years of age, a fairlycommon pattern in dysfunctional families.She was always available to people and doingthings for them and never gave priority toher own needs. Her Responsible Mother Selfand Pleasing Daughter were primary and herSelfish Self and her Vulnerable Child were bothdisowned. How is Jane to ever know that she hasthese disowned selves? Her concept of herselfor Operating Ego is this Pleasing Daughterand Responsible Mother. This is also how she isseen by the world around her. She feels basicallysecure in her identification with this role. It istrue that she has migraine headaches and is notsleeping well at night, and that her marriage hasalso gone quite dead. Since her primary selvesdetermine her perceptions of the world, however,she would not connect the actions of these selvesto any of her problems.
The primary selves are the window or theglasses through which each of us sees theworld. They represent our Operating Ego untilwe do the work that separates us from theirlimited reality and thus give birth to what weterm as a new Aware Ego. This Aware Ego isconstantly separating from the primary selvesand thus becomes able to embrace them, andthe disowned selves on the other side, withoutbeing identified with either.
The Development of The Aware EgoAll consciousness work at some level is workingwith primary and disowned selves. Discoveringthe primary selves is difficult since they represent
who you are in the world and the way to discoveryour primary selves is to begin by discoveringyour disowned selves. Just take a moment andask yourself the following questions. Whois it in your life that pushes your emotionalbuttons? Whom do you judge? Conversely, whois so wonderful that you are a mere nothingin comparison? If you can discover and isolatethe quality or qualities that push your buttonsnegatively, or that you overvalue positively, thenyou have one or more of your disowned selvesavailable to you.
Generally speaking, we are very negativelyrelated and judgmental towards people who carryour disowned selves or, on the other hand, we arefascinated by them. Whatever the case, and ofthis you may be sure, life will bring our disownedselves to us repeatedly until we are able to claimthem as our own. One of Jane’s disowned selvesis carried by people who are selfish and thinkonly of themselves. Her oldest daughter and heryounger sister live this self out for her; they areboth teachers for her. She has much conflict... continue
©1994
Original source and copyright: Hal Stone, Ph.D., and Sidra Stone, Ph.D.. Read the original at Voice Dialogue International.