By Hal Stone, Ph.D., and Sidra Stone, Ph.D.. Reproduced with permission.
Hal and Sidra Stone: their work and the complete article library · Further Reading
by Hal Stone, Ph.D. & Sidra Stone, Ph.D.
This article is the fourth in a series of four written in1994 for the journal, Psychotherapy in AustraliaIn our previous articles we spoke of the manyselves that make up the psyche. In this article,we would like to concentrate upon a self thatassumes major importance in the lives ofmost people and is of particular interest topsychotherapists, the Inner Critic. This InnerCritic is a voice within each of us that criticizesus mercilessly. With an IQ of about 500 thatenables it to spot all of our shortcomings, anuncanny ability to read our most secret feelings,X-ray vision to reveal deficiencies that wouldbe invisible to the naked eye, infrared trackingsystems that can look within our dreams at night,and standards of comparison that would makeEinstein look stupid and Mother Theresa lookselfish, this Inner Critic takes upon itself the taskof evaluating us. Needless to say, it always findsus falling short of expectations. When we speakof this Inner Critic we mean the voice withinthat criticizes us, we have called the self withinus that criticizes other people “the Judge”.
Most people are not even aware that thereis a voice or a self speaking inside of thembecause the Inner Critic’s constant judgmentshave been with them since early childhoodand its running critical commentary feels quitenatural. It develops early in their lives, absorbing(or internalizing) the judgments of the peoplearound them and the expectations of the societyin which they live. The more difficult or abusivethe childhood, the more vicious and abusive theInner Critic is likely to be.
The Inner Criticas a Citizen of the World
We have discovered Inner Critics wherever wehave traveled and they are amazingly similar intheir ability to cripple people and to keep themunhappy, frightened, constricted and ineffective.However, the content of their criticisms variesaccording to the value system of each particularculture. We have been particularly fascinated bythese variations.
For example, in America our critics are likelyto criticize us if we are not special enough or ifwe do not stand out. Our Critics do not wantus to disappear in the crowd, to be ordinary.Australian Critics take the opposite view. InAustralia you have a saying that goes somethinglike this: “Don’t be a tall poppy because tallpoppies get their heads cut off.” You are notsupposed to stand out, to be special, or to doanything that will draw special attention to you.Therefore, the Australian Inner Critics are quitejudgmental towards people who stand out toomuch or who try to be special.
The Development of the Inner Critic
The Inner Critic’s original function is to spareus shame and pain. In the growing up processparents must teach children to look good andto behave appropriately in order to succeed inthe world, both at home and in the workplace.Therefore parents look at their children, try theirbest to figure out what is wrong with them, andthen do what they can to fix it. (The same canbe true of relatives, teachers, religious leaders,people at work and general acquaintances.)
Ann’s mother fears that her daughter isnot attractive, and tries her best to correct the“problems” she thinks she sees. She wants Annto be popular at school and eventually shehopes that Ann will find a good husband. Shetries to be subtle, but she is constantly makingsuggestions about how Ann might improve herlooks, her weight, her behavior. Sometimes shelets Ann know what is wrong by comparing herto someone else who seems to do things right.As Ann takes in her mother’s messages, shebegins to feel that she is not acceptable the wayshe is, but that she must change herself beforeothers will like her.
Some mothers are more indirect than Ann’s,pointing out what is wrong with the way otherpeople dress or act so that the child will knowwhat one should not do. Some mothers do notsay anything. They just look at a child with aworried expression and he or she must guesswhat is wrong!
Tom’s Dad observes that his son is not carefulenough when he helps with the chores, or whenhe does his homework. He points out what Tomis doing wrong, or tells him that he is clumsy orcareless. He wants Tom to be disciplined, careful,and clever. He wants all his children to be able tobe successful in life. As Tom listens to his father,he begins to feel pretty stupid.
Ann’s mother and Tom’s father are ordinaryparents. They need to succeed in making theirchildren proper people - whatever that means tothem - in order to feel good about themselves. Inthe process of socializing a child, even the mostgentle and accepting parents must discourageor change certain behaviors, set limits, conveyexpectations and teach basic elements of personalhygiene and appearance. Parenting usuallyinvolves a certain amount of going against thechild’s natural inclinations. No matter how thisis done, there is an implication that there issomething unacceptable about the child.
In order to protect themselves from thepain and the shame of always being found “lessthan” they should be, a voice develops withinthese children that echoes the concerns of theirparents, their church, or of other people who areimportant to them. This Inner Critic is a “self ”,a separate subpersonality, that criticizes thembefore their parents - or anyone else, for thatmatter - can!
This Inner Critic is extremely anxious, almostdesperate, for them to succeed in the world andto be accepted and liked by others.
As we leave childhood, this Inner Criticcontinues its attempts to make us acceptable toothers. Unfortunately, it often does not knowwhen to stop. The Inner Critic does not knowwhen enough is enough. It has a tendency togrow until it is out of control and begins toundermine us and to do real damage. At thispoint, its original intent gets lost.
The Relationship of theInner Critic to the Other Selves
The Inner Critic, in addition to its overall job ofpolicing our every move, supports our primaryselves, those selves that are primary in ourpsychological makeup and determine who we arein the world. For instance, if our primary self is aResponsible Parent, the Inner Critic will criticizeany thoughts or actions that are not responsiblesuch as selfishness, self-indulgence, frivolity,irresponsibility. The latter are representative ofour disowned selves. (We discussed these selvesin the November 1994 issue of Psychotherapy.)
Often, if a client has made an effort to changehis or her primary self system through therapy,but has not truly integrated this change, theInner Critic will not only criticize the disownedactions, e.g., selfish behavior, but will criticizethe primary self for its shortcomings as well.Thus, the client will hear her Critic makeconflicting statements such as: “You are tooselfish.” and “You are too co-dependent and taketoo much responsibility for others.”
The Inner Critic and Relationship
As a therapist it is important to note that theInner Critic is a major player on the stage ofrelationship. We cannot discuss this in detailas we do in Embracing Your Inner Critic, butlet us look at some of the important ways inwhich it influences one’s style of relating. TheInner Critic is basically relationship-orientedand has developed in childhood to make ourrelationships less painful and to help us to avoidhumiliation. It carries with it an underlying fearthat we will be found unacceptable and thereforewill be rejected or abandoned.
Since it is deeply concerned about ourrelationships with others, the Inner Critic spendsa great deal of time worrying about what othersthink of us. It keeps us vulnerable and childlikeand puts us at the mercy of the judgments, needsand demands of everyone around us. We haveno right to be separate or to have our own needs.This puts us into the position of a child withothers, making it impossible to maintain a senseof self, to make decisions that reflect our ownneeds and individuality or to establish properboundaries. In our terms, a strong Inner Criticimmediately sets the stage for a parent/childbonding pattern.
A well-developed, strong Inner Critic doesnot allow us to accept compliments or love, butquestions the motives or the intelligence of thegiver, often whispering something like: “If she/her knew what you are really like!” softly in ourears. It responds to the judgments of everyonearound us by agreeing with them. Ironically,although the Inner Critic’s aim is to spare usjudgment, it is quite likely to elicit “The Judge”in those around us. This can happen energetically(almost like a magnetic attraction) or directlybecause once the Inner Critic criticizessomething in us, we are open and vulnerable tothe same criticism from the outside.
Last, but certainly not least, the Inner Criticprevents intimacy directly by shaming andabusing our Inner Child so that it cannot relateproperly to others. It is this child that carries ourdeepest sensitivities and feelings and is a majorfactor in truly intimate connections. When itis frightened, abused and feels like a victim, itcannot relate normally and naturally and thedeep, soul-satisfying intimacy that it brings withit is missing from all our relationships.
Working with the Inner Critic
With this knowledge, you can work with the InnerCritic in any way that suits your own therapeuticorientation. For us, however, the first stepin working with the Inner Critic is to show theclient that there is a voice within him or her thatis incessantly critical. In our book, EmbracingYour Inner Critic, we have likened this voice toa radio station that has been playing within one’shead since early childhood, a voice so familiarthat it is no longer noticed. We find that the bestway to help the client become aware of this selfand to separate from it is to utilize the VoiceDialogue method (Psychotherapy, February,1995) because with this the therapist can speakdirectly to the Inner Critic. As a therapist, youmight address Susan’s Inner Critic as follows:
Therapist: I understand that you are notpleased with the way Susan behaves. Tellme, what is wrong with her?
Susan’s Critic: Well, she’s inconsiderate.She doesn’t answer her mail or return herphone calls quickly enough. I think that sheis too self-centered, she’s basically a selfishperson, just like her mother always said.
Therapist: Is there anything else?
Susan’s Critic: Yes, she’s too emotional.When she gets upset, she forgets about herfamily and her friends. I wish she wouldpay a little more attention to what otherpeople think. While I’m thinking about it,I wish she would pay more attention tothe way she looks. I think that she’s gottena little careless about her appearance andpeople notice things like that.
Therapist: What would you say if Susanstarted to pay more attention to herappearance?
Susan’s Critic: I guess I would say thatshe’s too self-indulgent.
Speaking directly to the Inner Critic in thisway begins to separate it from the other selvesand the client is able to view it, and its criticisms,more objectively. Initial conversations with theInner Critic usually focus upon its criticisms,e.g., of the client’s physical appearance,emotions, intellectual functioning, relationshipskills, spiritual practices, etc. These conversationsoften illustrate the impossibility of pleasing theInner Critic. With Susan, for example, the InnerCritic would criticize her if she did pay moreattention to her appearance even though it hasbeen criticizing her up until now for not payingenough attention. Contradictions of this type arevery common.
Once the client is aware of the existence ofthe Inner Critic and has heard the range of itscriticism, the therapist can move to the secondstep and begin to deepen the exploration andlook for the anxiety that underlies its attacks.Thus, the focus shifts from the content of thecritic attack (the selfishness, the lack of concernfor what others think) to the underlying issues.If we were to follow up with Susan, this is whatyou might hear:
Therapist: What would happen if Susandid not listen to you and she remainedselfish and inconsiderate?
Susan’s Critic: Nobody would like heranymore. People don’t like people who areinconsiderate.
Therapist: Then what would happen?
Susan’s Critic: Then nobody would wantto be with her anymore and she would bealone. She cannot bear being alone.
Now the therapist has uncovered the trueanxiety. This criticism is not about being selfish.This is an alert, an emergency call for help froman Inner Critic suffering an anxiety attack. TheCritic is panicked that if she does not behaveherself properly, Susan will be alone and unloved.Since Susan is an extroverted, relationship orientedperson who has never developed herability to be alone, her Inner Critic fears thatshe would not be able to function without thesupport of others.
Now we come to the third step in thisprocess, the move beyond duality and theembracing of opposites. The Inner Critic hasactually led the therapist to the basic issuesthat need addressing. There is an imbalance inSusan’s psyche. Her primary selves are emotional,responsible, relationship-oriented and veryconcerned about what people will think. Theywill do everything that they can to keep her incontact with other people. Whenever Susan doesanything that moves against the rules of theseselves, her Critic attacks her.
The therapist is now in a position to dealwith some of these underlying issues first byhelping her to separate from her primary selvesand then by helping her to contact and developthe opposite, or disowned, selves. In this waySusan would gain access to her introversion,independence, and objectivity. These wouldenable her to balance her caring, emotional,relationship-oriented selves. This moves herbeyond duality, into the balance of oppositescontained within an Aware Ego.
The Inner Critic Transformation
When its anxiety abates, the Inner Criticbecomes quiet and its criticisms becomeobjective and supportive rather than destructive.It turns into an objective mind which givesSusan focus, discernment, discipline andattention to detail. Last but not least, its aura ofauthority will be used to support her rather thanto attack her.
Until now, the Inner Critic which doesindeed cause intense suffering, has been treatedas an enemy by most therapeutic systems. Oftenthe therapist’s attempt to destroy this InnerCritic have only served to strengthen it. Wehave found that when its message is properlyunderstood, the Inner Critic can become apowerful ally in the journey towards growth andwholeness.
© 1994
Original source and copyright: Hal Stone, Ph.D., and Sidra Stone, Ph.D.. Read the original at Voice Dialogue International.