By Hal Stone, Ph.D., and Sidra Stone, Ph.D.. Reproduced with permission.
Hal and Sidra Stone: their work and the complete article library · Further Reading
(from Partnering: A New Kind Of Relationship)
by Hal Stone, Ph.D. & Sidra Stone, Ph.D.
For us it is clear that there is in the universe, andwithin each of us, a deeper intelligence that canbe ignited as we begin our journey of personaldiscovery. Once this intelligence is activatedit has the possibility of becoming an alwaysavailablefriend and teacher to us. And what aremarkable friend and teacher it can be! Withits help, we begin to make sense out of thingsthat were previously a mass of confusion. Weexperience meaning, purpose, and direction inour personal lives that simply were not therebefore. Our dreams begin to make sense tous and they become an important part of ourlives. New thoughts, new ways of looking atthings emerge.
As we plug into this newly developing intelligence,we begin to experience the meaning andpurpose that lie behind it. It wants somethingfrom us. It drives us with inexorable power andcertainty toward a deeper understanding of ourrelationships and ourselves. It replaces in importancemany of the other concerns in our lives. Our belief systems and the rules we have livedby in the past are now open to examination anda deeper consideration. We feel the purposivenature of this intelligence, we know that it wantssomething from us, and that it is moving us inan entirely new direction.
Our personal view is that this intelligencewishes us to become all that we can be, to makeuse of everything that we brought with us intothis world. It wants us to embrace all of ourselves so that we can more fully enter into lifeand relationship and learn to balance the remarkablearray of energies that are within us. Itwants us to claim our full humanity.
It is a source of immense strength (and a relief,too, we might add) to experience divinity asan integral part of one’s partnering relationship.Life in general, and relationship in particular, canbe pretty rough going at times. In their groundbreakingbook, Flesh and Spirit, Jack Zimmerman,Ph.D., and Jacquelyn McCandless, M.D.,write about “the third” in relationship. They pointout the need to always call in “the third” so thatdivinity is present and available to us, not just forour individual lives but also for our relationships.This third is an important part of what makesrelationship sacred.
What must we do to begin to connect to thisdivine intelligence? Sometimes we do not haveto do anything. Just beginning the process ofpersonal growth can activate this intelligence.Once it is activated, it is there for us. We justhave to know where to look for it. Since there arespecific ways in which this intelligence manifests,there are also particular things that we can do tosupport the connection to this divine intelligenceand to enhance the spiritual basis of the partneringprocess. Let’s now look at some of the thingsthat you can do to deepen your connection toyourself and to your partnering.
Perhaps the simplest, the most fascinating,and the most rewarding place to begin is withdreams. Our dreams give us the most directexperience of this deeper intelligence. They alsobring us into connection with our own spiritualreality, a reality that, in our dreams, is untouchedby the rules, feelings, and expectations of others.Your dreams can help you understand theamazing family of selves that lives within you.
Your dreams are remarkable friends; they giveyou an objective, or unbiased, picture of howyour selves dance with each other and, we mightadd, dance with the selves of your partner. Let’slook at the dream process and see what it canteach you about these selves.
We know that there are many useful ways oflooking at dreams. You may have studied dreamsalready and have your own interpretations. Thefollowing is our own particular approach todream work, one that we have found extremelyhelpful over the years. As you read this, rememberthat each of us has our own dream vocabulary,so please be aware that yours may be a bitdifferent from this in some places.
Common Themes in Dreams
There are some dream themes that are verycommon. We will begin by looking at these andshowing you how you might (1) decode themand (2) how you can use the information thatthey are bringing you.
High Places
Dreaming of being in a high place takesmany forms. Sometimes the dreamer is on top ofa tall building or on a high mountaintop. There isoften a danger of falling, or at least there is somesense that a person in this situation could fall. Insome of these dreams, the dreamer is in fact fallingfrom a high place.
When you are up high you are away fromthe earth. You might be too identified with yourmind or with spirituality which indicates thateither your rational mind or your spiritual self islikely functioning as your primary self. You areprobably disconnected from earth and all thatit represents. This would mean that you disownyour body, your feelings, or your instinctualenergies. Another way of looking at this kindof dream is that people who are special, andwho disown the ordinary, are always high up.Their position is precarious because wheneverthey stop being special, they can fall down andthey fear that when they fall down they willbecome nothing.
We keep falling in our dreams because wecontinue to remain too identified with ourminds, our being special, or our spiritual nature.So the unconscious shows us falling from highplaces over and over again. It is basically showingus where we are (up) and what we are missing(down). It is as simple and clear as that. CarlJung, founder of analytical psychology, calledthis the compensatory principle of the dreamprocess because the dream is always balancingout whatever we are identified with or whateverwe disown.
Fast Cars and Freeways
In these dreams we are driving too fast or ourcar is out of control. There is often an accident ora crash of some kind.
Driving too fast is the classic dream of apusher primary self, one that is out of control.The crash stops us. For example, Sonny, a verysuccessful financier, dreams repetitively for manyyears that he is driving on a freeway at highspeeds and his car crashes. This is an accuratepicture of the way he actually leads his life. Heis always busy and never slows down. After anumber of years Sonny has a heart attack. Pusherenergy can be very dangerous and this amazingintelligence within was sending him repeatedwarnings of this danger. (His wife was also tellinghim he should slow down, but that is anotherstory.) If he had listened to his dream, Sonnywould have understood its warning and he wouldhave had the opportunity to separate from hispusher self before he actually got sick.
The car image often gives us a general pictureof how we move through the world. If in adream you are driving the car you drove in college,then your general psychology now is likeit was then. If you are in a car and your fatheris driving it, then your life is being run by yourfather (either your real father, or the primary selfin you that resembles your father).In these dreams, you are usually racing on afreeway. Again, this is a pusher motif. You mightfind that, as you pay attention to your dreamsand you separate from your pusher, you are nowdriving down country roads, or you have pulledoff the freeway to stop.
Quicksand or Sticky Asphalt
Dreaming that you are trying to walk butit feels like your feet are in quicksand or stickyasphalt is another kind of pusher dream. Herethe dream is balancing, or compensating, yourprimary self, the self that tries to push so hardall the time. Dreams often try to balance ourprimary self in this way. Here you are trying tohurry and you cannot. Your feet are stuck. Theharder you try to reach your destination, theworse things get. Your dream is intent on gettingthe message through to you. A variation of thisdream is one in which you are trying to catch atrain or bus or ship and, no matter how hard youtry to make it on time, you are too late.
School or Military Service
Dreaming you are back in school or militaryservice is a very common dream. Generally itdescribes the fact that we are living our life todaythe way we did when we were in school or inthe army. In these settings our lives were not ourown and we had to dance to a drumbeat that wasnot our own. In these settings we had to do whatwas assigned to us. It is very easy to fall intolife patterns that are psychologically very muchlike being in school or in the army. This dreamusually means that we are following a set of rulesand requirements that deny us our freedom. Wehave no choice but are at the mercy of the rulesthat in this case are usually the rules of a particularlydemanding set of primary selves.
A variation of this dream is being in prison orbeing locked up in a concentration camp. Thesedreams reflect a loss of personal freedom in ourlives and often indicate a lack of connection toour feelings. They usually come when we areworking too hard and life is becoming a prison.
Police Officers
The police represent control. Very often whenthe pusher energy is out of control in our lives,we have dreams of a police officer stopping us fora traffic violation. This dream is also a compensatorydream. There is something in your life thatis out of control and your control side is trying tohelp you regain control and, most likely, trying toget you to slow down. These are warning dreamsand you need to learn to listen to them.
Houses
There are very many variations on the housedream. The image of the home represents yourpersonality and how it is operating in the world.The house gives you a picture of how you are living.Is there enough space? Is there enough light?Is it cold? Is it magical? Do you have your ownspecial space? Dreaming of moving into a newhome is connected to a major change in personality.Many times when people are bringing morechoice into their lives, they dream of new andmore spacious houses.
Sometimes people dream that they are goingdown into the basement where they feel fearful.In this case they are moving more deeply intothe unconscious as they explore new aspects of... continue
Original source and copyright: Hal Stone, Ph.D., and Sidra Stone, Ph.D.. Read the original at Voice Dialogue International.